“But everyone else is doing it?!”

Classic childhood expression. Am I right? Who hasn’t a) said that or b) heard that?

And then the natural classic response “well, if everyone was jumping off of a bridge, would you?”

So why bring this up? Well, it’s what pops into my Brain when I think about how everyone else in the world with health issues seems to be getting their stuff together and blogging their way to health. “Dime a dozen” and “Trending Now” also pop into my brain when I think about the wave of gluten free posts and recipes and thyroid issues and … well you get the idea. (ahem…did you know that WATER is gluten free? Did we REALLY need a label to tell us that?).

No. Not downplaying the issue here. I am just identifying with this thought process: I feel weak when it comes to follow through in this life goal.

Why can’t I be diligent and journal my road to health so “all the world wide web can read like EVERYONE ELSE?”

On second thought. Why would I want to let anyone see my posts on struggles? Isn’t there already enough to read? I should go deeper here — WHO would read it? WHO would actually stumble on this page and think “wow! I can identify with her. Her struggle. How she handles it. How she succeeded once (read: lost weight and felt great!) Then let go of the reigns (enter Holidays). Then gained it (aka THE POUNDS) all back. And floundered around helplessly for months on end until one day – after googling and researching and seeing others succeed— she too thought “why can’t I do this like everyone else?” Why can’t I go back to my successful ways??— my Clean eating. Paleo eating. Exercising. Water Drinking ways!

Why don’t I just start over. Just START! Make a plan. And DO the plan.

Enter new thought: 5 ways to feel overwhelmed in just 30 seconds.

  1. Get on the WWW and look up how to detox/menu plan
  2. RE-play your success tape. Then
  3. fast forward to the failing part
  4. Question where you are in life
  5. waste more time replaying steps 1-4

ugh

Give it a rest.

I am on the road to recovery. Why do I say that when I just weighed in at the highest I have been since I started losing weight healthily 1 year ago? And I have been eating everything on my “not good for you” list? And feeling the pain of eating it all? Why do I say that when I feel like I have been very wishy washy lately in my quest for quiet time? And getting angry at myself for falling back in to my sailor talk?

I say that because I know that God holds me in the palm of his hand. And that it will take a minute by minute approach sometimes to get better. I want to get better. I will get better. Everyone’s journey is different. So why should I get mad at myself when I don’t fit a mold?

My thoughts for today land on re-structuring my time. My life. Recently, a friend at church – who I really admire – told me she was restructuring some things with her business and life. She told of adding a monthly massage time and other things to replenish her soul That just spoke hope into me. If she is taking taking time for herself, why shouldn’t I? God has been whispering this over me for a little while. I say whisper because I was only half paying attention. I was listening to the voice of self with it’s self hatred talk of “just eat that — you know it will not make you feel good.. but just eat it because you don’t like yourself. Remember?”  Yep. That is actually a voice in my head that I thought was over but apparently have let back in.

I recently had a dream where this guy would not get out of our car. I was getting angry and said “in the name of Jesus, Go!” But he wouldn’t.  I kept hearing “squatters rights” and I woke up thinking “have I let the enemy get a foothold of something?” I do believe it has something to do with the control of food. And how I sometimes say “I am going to finish this eating lifestyle and see it through” but the back of my mind keeps saying “no you won’t. You will end up back where you started.”

Jesus help me in my unbelief. Kick that guy out of the car!!!

I would hate to have to hate you

So… back in January, I accompanied my son’s class on a field trip to the Tellus Museum. It was on said trip that I was a driver and I met my chaperone. The mom of the new kid. She seemed nice. Conversation was easy. We chatted about where they moved from and what she did.

“I’m a food blogger” she said.

“Oh really? That is so cool.” I was intrigued. Wondering just what kind of things she had on her site.

We chatted more about milling our own wheat to make bread, essential oils, and Breadbeckers and I bored her with my failed attempts to get back on track with my AIP diet and my visits to my naturopath. (She was polite— seemingly interested). Anyhow, it wasn’t until after we parked, met our tour guide and set off to trail behind the kids that I turned to her and asked “so what’s your website?” “Don’t Waste the Crumbs” she replied nonchalantly.

I stopped. Dead in my tracks. Mouth dropped to the floor.

No lie- I have been following this site since early summer 2015.  I really loved the site and would get super excited while reading things and thinking “gosh I wish I could be like her!” Now, her she was. IN THE FLESH! I told her that I was already a follower and familiar with the site.  Gawking, I mustered up “you’re the one who did a ‘no spend’ month, right?”

Yep.

“And you have printouts for how to inventory your pantry and refridgerator?”

Yep.

Wow. I was flabbergasted. To me, she is a CELEBRITY!

So the ride back to school was more chatting and laughing and bewilderment (on my part).

Fast forward to this month and I was reading through some of the recent blogs about how when they ran out of budgeted food money, they would go through the cupboards and just eat from what they had– making up tremendous meals along the way. And how they decided to fast when the money and food ran out. Positive energy from the site. Happy and bubbly — an all around interesting and a thought provoking blog. But I kept thinking to myself “I have to hate you now.” Because I couldn’t see myself and my family eating happy, wholesome meals like them. I pictured my kids throwing veggies at me. Picket signs in place. Organizing a shut in. And my husband gorging on Indian meals. (Hi honey! If you are reading, I am just adding this for laughs. I love you and am totally happy that you eat Indian food).

I pictured her family (and since I know what her kids look like, it was easy to envision) sitting around the dinner table, smiles plastered on their cute little faces as they sat perfectly still eating home made bread, kale, broccoli, carrots, collards, and cucumbers dipped in hummus while chugging down iced water. Never once complaining about what was on their plate or asking for a different meal. Or saying “I’m tired of eating healthy” when all you did wass put one piece of asparagus on his plate amongst the sweet potato fries and hamburger.)

Confused at how to feel – hopeful vs. discouraged, I decided to close the blog and walk away. I pictured her and her husband sitting down at the table later that evening to chat about the budget and menu planning and smiling and laughing in total agreement over what to spend and where to spend it. What to save and how to keep out of debt. Muffling cries of despair and shuffling back to the computer, I opened up Excel to find my March Tracking Spreadsheet besides Everydollar.com. I entered my spending items and shook my head watching the red numbers.

I really do like my new friend. She has mentioned she had great time on the ride to the museum and even wants to have my family over after they’ve settled in to their new place. I am thankful for my new friend and have given her some space because I honestly just want to pick her brain. And shadow her. Basking in the knowledge of how to achieve such blog status.

But I refrain (for fear or a restraining order). I’ve kept a distance as if to say “I acknowledge your space.” Don’t want to seem to “friend needy.”

She has a great site to help people to reclaim the family dinner table and the family budget.

If you get a chance. totally check out her site “Don’t Waste the Crumbs.” It’s easy to read. She has videos and lots of tips. Subscribe to it. Tell her I sent you. Not that it will do anything …. but just let her know how you found her (aka put in a good word for me! kidding).

 

In the morning when I rise

What are the first thoughts that invade your mind in the morning? Mine range from “oh hit the snooze one more time” and “this is a new day to start afresh with healthy eating” to “let me mentally review the morning routine.”

And I do review the morning routine of what is required of me to get from point A to B. If my whole day is mapped out by the alphabet, that is. Yes, that is how the mornings go. And never fail, by the time it is required of me to pack lunch and get breakfast on the table (yes, that is usually the order) I have already regretted not getting up earlier (and going to bed earlier) so that I had more time to meditate or read my bible.

So then I mentally plan to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. Just to have more time for me. Planning and following through are areas of weakness at this point. But my thoughts then return to “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13.

Self Sabotage

I’ve been waking up feeling full. Heavy. Not completely bloated like, but on the border. This makes me mad at myself. It means I have not been strong enough to eat clean.

There is a book I just put on hold at the library. Intuitive Eating.  I first heard about in on a Paleohacks Podcast. Of which I have an addiction to —hence giving it up for Lent :)  Anyhow, the idea behind why you eat what you eat intrigues me. Mainly because I feel I already know why I eat the bad things I eat. Self Sabotage. When I eat them I hear a little voice in my head that says “you eat this because you hate yourself.” Now I realize hate is a strong word. And I also realize you may be thinking “she’s got issues.” Well, yes. True on the issues. I’m not crazy or psychotic though. So the book, I feel, would shed some truth to my self torture. I would say to myself “today, I am going to start new.” And then there would be brownies or muffins or some sort of goodie that the ladies group would bring in and I would say “oh, well, since I am not really starting I can eat this.” And then eat it. And then feel bad. And then say mean things to myself. I am not a big brownie fan, but there is one friend who can make a killer brownie that I just don’t want to deny!

The bottom line is when I ate my Paleo diet plan and was very strict with it, I felt GREAT. I started losing weight and inches on my waist and I was so excited! Dropped down to 127 lbs. A weight I remember in Middle School. Never to be seen again. Until now. And the next week after I hit 127, it was the holidays and I gave myself a “mental break.” Which meant I wasn’t going to fight myself over things during the holidays. What was meant to be a 3 week break turned into 3 months. And although my last scale reading was 134.8, it was still not what I mentally need to be at. Physically, maybe. I mean I am in my healthy range, but at the high end of it. According to the the healthy height/weight range I can go to 149 lbs. But I felt miserable. I looked like I needed to tone up. I get that each person is different and muscle tone plays into the figure (no pun intended). But for me, my mental range says no higher that 130. And physically that works too.

So I have ordered a cookbook (i heart cookbooks!) called The Healing Kitchen by Sarah Ballantyne, PhD (The Paleo Mom) and Alaena Haber MS OTR. I am not new to Dr. Sarah, but I am to Alaena. And what drew me to her was that she is an OT! My former life!! My goal is to use this as a jumping off point for starting afresh. Getting back on the horse and riding again. I really don’t like my mental barrages of self loathing when I eat things that I literally feel sick when I eat them and things I know are not good for me. Sometimes it’s not rocket science. All food is not created equal. Calories are not equal.

So, there. I put myself out there. Now you know my mind games.

Wake up Failing

Sometimes I am awake before my alarm. And I feel good. But I think to my self “Nope. Close those eyes and squeeze every minute out of sleep.” Falling back to sleep, I awake to an alarm and then hit the snooze. Twice.

My thoughts then lead to irritation at myself for the time I have just wasted. And I think “I’ve failed already.” My plan to go to bed early and wake up early and spend a good chunk of deserved time with God are often choked out like the seeds sprouting up in the rocky soil.

In my mind, my day starts early with a good bit of time in worship, prayer and talking to God. Then maybe a shower before making the kids lunches and breakfast and then waking them up and helping them get ready.

But one thing I almost have to do before I get out of bed is go through my morning in my head. It helps me to keep focused. Often I have a mini panic attack if there are lots of things on my plate for the day. Running them through my mind helps me to organize them. Get a “head start” if you will.

Today’s breakfast is HoneyNut Cheerios. Already a “fail” in my book because I vowed to make nutritions/homemade breakfasts for my kids. But this week… the week before the last week of the month (March END already!)…and knowing my morning mental energy level… I am making my life easy and going for a happy medium with breakfast.

Another way I feel like I am failing is in my eating. Remember how people relieve their glory days with “back in the day I was a star ________ (insert glory day memory). ”  Well, my thought always goes back to those 10 weeks of clean eating right before the holidays. I thought I was doing myself a mental “solid” (imaginary fist bump with self) by giving myself some breathing room during the holidays. I was going to allow myself to have a few of the things I had been boycotting for my health. But I took a little “dip in the pool of forbidden food” and totally drowned. Even with floaties.

Well, at least I can check of “write something” from my to-do list.

 

The grass is greener where you water it

(side note: this was a post I started back in Feb and just never got around to finishing).

Recently there has been a rumbling in my spirit. Jealousy. Baby brother and his wife sold and bought a house and will close on the same day. Within the month they started.

Jesus happy for them. No that’s not a typo. That’s just me saying that I will be happy for them under the Jesus umbrella. Because HE would want me to take the high road :)

I am reminded to prepare for my own “good things” from God. Make the steps to get my house up to how I want it. Not necessarily to sell. Just to know I put effort into it. And the comfort that: There are rewards for effort.

In fact, my Bestie Neighbor and I have been talking about this very thing. Our wrestling over our houses and our ‘hood and our feelings of contentment and then discontentment over our houses and the ‘hood.

So I was thinking about the ol’ expression “The grass is greener on the other side.” And how it implies that one can never be happy because they are always looking for the better life. And when they get to that side of the fence they thought was greener and they turn to look at the next yard, they realize that the grass they just acquired is not as green as the “Jones’s grass”. It’s a perpetual cycle. Ex-haus-tion! So what I propose is to water your own grass. And it will be greener. Ask the Lord what you need to do. He knows what you need. So just ask him. Cut to the chase. Ask Him how to live well in the space you have. ASK Him to give you a picture of how your yard should look.  (It could be your literal yard or figurative yard here. Just ask what area you need to make green). Or hire someone to give guidance. Landscaper. Counselor. Decorator. De-clutter and clean your house. Take pride in what God has given you. (Read: suck it up! Get to work! I’m taking notes from my own blog since I am obviously in need of this very thing.)

 

 

 

I’m at the big table this year!

The women’s retreat is here! Super excited about it. This year I am on the Women’s Team so I got to go up a day early for set up. This is why I joined the team! The feeling is equivalent to when you are finally old enough to sit at the “big table” at Holiday Meals.

Usually I am excited about the retreat. Not just to get a change of scenery. Or to not have to be depended on. But to actually have no other excuse but to reflect and just be with Jesus. And breathe.

And this year I got to write the cards! THE CARD is my favorite thing about the retreat, really. I mean, the food is amazing. True, True! And the Lake house is awe-enormous. But the handwritten card by Susan O’Brien was my favorite thing. And it was place on the bed, next to little goodies. Each year the goodies changed. But there was always THE CARD. But God has Susan doing other things with other churches now. And so this year,  I got to write the cards. Which was an exciting yet humbling experience. Because for some of these women, they had been here before and had received THE CARD from Susan. But this year they are getting one from me. Well, not me. From God through me. But still. Big shoes to Fill is what I thought in my mind. And it almost kept me from writing them.

But God has re-kindled a flame for hiding his word in my heart through this experience. I have enjoyed praying for these women and asking the Lord for a little nugget of encouragement for them.

I just pray, in some small way, that it brings a joy to their heart like Susan’s cards did to mine. :)

To God be the Glory!

.

“I know a guy…”

Instead of finishing my small treadmill routine (“cough, cough” on the routine word) I saw a message in my email regarding a new post from a friend from church. An update on his health. And it looks like no new awe inspiring wisdom or light on his condition at this point. He’s trying to figure out why he’s experiencing several weird issues. Lots of “humph. Beats me” medical verdicts.

I am frustrated for him.  And yet encouraged to keep fighting back on my own health issues. For me, I know what’s going on and I know the cause. And how to help it. Like countless other American’s, I have a thyroid condition. Hashimoto’s to be exact. And I know that food does play a big part on how I feel. How my body responds. But it is doggone hard to stay the course with food. Why? Well, that’s another blog. All this to say that I am encouraged to pick myself up and start doing what I know. To help my health. Step 1: finish treadmill time for today. Step 2: Pray for my friend.

 

“Give me a Revelation. Show me what to do.”

I’ve been singing Third Day’s “Revelationsince my friend Andrea and I saw (part of) them perform at Roswell Street this past Saturday.  “Give me a revelation, Show me what to do, ‘Cause I’ve been trying to find my way; I haven’t got a clue. Tell me should I stay here. Or do I need to Move. Give me a revelation; I’ve got nothing without you.”

This song should be on the playlist for our country.

In my own prayer time this morning asking God for a revelation, I was reminded of how I love Math. (Stay with me). Continue reading “Give me a Revelation. Show me what to do.”