What are the first thoughts that invade your mind in the morning? Mine range from “oh hit the snooze one more time” and “this is a new day to start afresh with healthy eating” to “let me mentally review the morning routine.”
And I do review the morning routine of what is required of me to get from point A to B. If my whole day is mapped out by the alphabet, that is. Yes, that is how the mornings go. And never fail, by the time it is required of me to pack lunch and get breakfast on the table (yes, that is usually the order) I have already regretted not getting up earlier (and going to bed earlier) so that I had more time to meditate or read my bible.
So then I mentally plan to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. Just to have more time for me. Planning and following through are areas of weakness at this point. But my thoughts then return to “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13.
I’ve been waking up feeling full. Heavy. Not completely bloated like, but on the border. This makes me mad at myself. It means I have not been strong enough to eat clean.
There is a book I just put on hold at the library. Intuitive Eating. I first heard about in on a Paleohacks Podcast. Of which I have an addiction to —hence giving it up for Lent 🙂 Anyhow, the idea behind why you eat what you eat intrigues me. Mainly because I feel I already know why I eat the bad things I eat. Self Sabotage. When I eat them I hear a little voice in my head that says “you eat this because you hate yourself.” Now I realize hate is a strong word. And I also realize you may be thinking “she’s got issues.” Well, yes. True on the issues. I’m not crazy or psychotic though. So the book, I feel, would shed some truth to my self torture. I would say to myself “today, I am going to start new.” And then there would be brownies or muffins or some sort of goodie that the ladies group would bring in and I would say “oh, well, since I am not really starting I can eat this.” And then eat it. And then feel bad. And then say mean things to myself. I am not a big brownie fan, but there is one friend who can make a killer brownie that I just don’t want to deny!
The bottom line is when I ate my Paleo diet plan and was very strict with it, I felt GREAT. I started losing weight and inches on my waist and I was so excited! Dropped down to 127 lbs. A weight I remember in Middle School. Never to be seen again. Until now. And the next week after I hit 127, it was the holidays and I gave myself a “mental break.” Which meant I wasn’t going to fight myself over things during the holidays. What was meant to be a 3 week break turned into 3 months. And although my last scale reading was 134.8, it was still not what I mentally need to be at. Physically, maybe. I mean I am in my healthy range, but at the high end of it. According to the the healthy height/weight range I can go to 149 lbs. But I felt miserable. I looked like I needed to tone up. I get that each person is different and muscle tone plays into the figure (no pun intended). But for me, my mental range says no higher that 130. And physically that works too.
So I have ordered a cookbook (i heart cookbooks!) called The Healing Kitchen by Sarah Ballantyne, PhD (The Paleo Mom) and Alaena Haber MS OTR. I am not new to Dr. Sarah, but I am to Alaena. And what drew me to her was that she is an OT! My former life!! My goal is to use this as a jumping off point for starting afresh. Getting back on the horse and riding again. I really don’t like my mental barrages of self loathing when I eat things that I literally feel sick when I eat them and things I know are not good for me. Sometimes it’s not rocket science. All food is not created equal. Calories are not equal.
So, there. I put myself out there. Now you know my mind games.
Sometimes I am awake before my alarm. And I feel good. But I think to my self “Nope. Close those eyes and squeeze every minute out of sleep.” Falling back to sleep, I awake to an alarm and then hit the snooze. Twice.
My thoughts then lead to irritation at myself for the time I have just wasted. And I think “I’ve failed already.” My plan to go to bed early and wake up early and spend a good chunk of deserved time with God are often choked out like the seeds sprouting up in the rocky soil.
In my mind, my day starts early with a good bit of time in worship, prayer and talking to God. Then maybe a shower before making the kids lunches and breakfast and then waking them up and helping them get ready.
But one thing I almost have to do before I get out of bed is go through my morning in my head. It helps me to keep focused. Often I have a mini panic attack if there are lots of things on my plate for the day. Running them through my mind helps me to organize them. Get a “head start” if you will.
Today’s breakfast is HoneyNut Cheerios. Already a “fail” in my book because I vowed to make nutritions/homemade breakfasts for my kids. But this week… the week before the last week of the month (March END already!)…and knowing my morning mental energy level… I am making my life easy and going for a happy medium with breakfast.
Another way I feel like I am failing is in my eating. Remember how people relieve their glory days with “back in the day I was a star ________ (insert glory day memory). ” Well, my thought always goes back to those 10 weeks of clean eating right before the holidays. I thought I was doing myself a mental “solid” (imaginary fist bump with self) by giving myself some breathing room during the holidays. I was going to allow myself to have a few of the things I had been boycotting for my health. But I took a little “dip in the pool of forbidden food” and totally drowned. Even with floaties.
Well, at least I can check of “write something” from my to-do list.
(side note: this was a post I started back in Feb and just never got around to finishing).
Recently there has been a rumbling in my spirit. Jealousy. Baby brother and his wife sold and bought a house and will close on the same day. Within the month they started.
Jesus happy for them. No that’s not a typo. That’s just me saying that I will be happy for them under the Jesus umbrella. Because HE would want me to take the high road 🙂
I am reminded to prepare for my own “good things” from God. Make the steps to get my house up to how I want it. Not necessarily to sell. Just to know I put effort into it. And the comfort that: There are rewards for effort.
In fact, my Bestie Neighbor and I have been talking about this very thing. Our wrestling over our houses and our ‘hood and our feelings of contentment and then discontentment over our houses and the ‘hood.
So I was thinking about the ol’ expression “The grass is greener on the other side.” And how it implies that one can never be happy because they are always looking for the better life. And when they get to that side of the fence they thought was greener and they turn to look at the next yard, they realize that the grass they just acquired is not as green as the “Jones’s grass”. It’s a perpetual cycle. Ex-haus-tion! So what I propose is to water your own grass. And it will be greener. Ask the Lord what you need to do. He knows what you need. So just ask him. Cut to the chase. Ask Him how to live well in the space you have. ASK Him to give you a picture of how your yard should look. (It could be your literal yard or figurative yard here. Just ask what area you need to make green). Or hire someone to give guidance. Landscaper. Counselor. Decorator. De-clutter and clean your house. Take pride in what God has given you. (Read: suck it up! Get to work! I’m taking notes from my own blog since I am obviously in need of this very thing.)
The women’s retreat is here! Super excited about it. This year I am on the Women’s Team so I got to go up a day early for set up. This is why I joined the team! The feeling is equivalent to when you are finally old enough to sit at the “big table” at Holiday Meals.
Usually I am excited about the retreat. Not just to get a change of scenery. Or to not have to be depended on. But to actually have no other excuse but to reflect and just be with Jesus. And breathe.
And this year I got to write the cards! THE CARD is my favorite thing about the retreat, really. I mean, the food is amazing. True, True! And the Lake house is awe-enormous. But the handwritten card by Susan O’Brien was my favorite thing. And it was place on the bed, next to little goodies. Each year the goodies changed. But there was always THE CARD. But God has Susan doing other things with other churches now. And so this year, I got to write the cards. Which was an exciting yet humbling experience. Because for some of these women, they had been here before and had received THE CARD from Susan. But this year they are getting one from me. Well, not me. From God through me. But still. Big shoes to Fill is what I thought in my mind. And it almost kept me from writing them.
But God has re-kindled a flame for hiding his word in my heart through this experience. I have enjoyed praying for these women and asking the Lord for a little nugget of encouragement for them.
I just pray, in some small way, that it brings a joy to their heart like Susan’s cards did to mine. 🙂
To God be the Glory!