Better than me

Pity party. Party of 1.

Today is my designated writing day. It’s on my calendar. The one I have been trying to use to help me organize my life and enjoy it even.

Going into the day, I had a good feeling about it. Aside from the start of the day that wasn’t part of the normal routine. Taking the kids to CFA because daddy had to go into work early so he couldn’t take them to All Pro Dads this morning at school. Which I could have gone to— mom’s are not discouraged from going— it’s just that the kids opted for going to CFA for chicken mini’s vs. All Pro Dad’s for biscuits.

When I got back home, I had this feeling of dread. So I just prayed. Continue reading “Better than me”

Gift paradigm shift

Just now, I was sipping my iced coffee, eyes closed, trying to recall -without looking- the beauty around me. These Gifts, if you will.

Being “in this moment.”

Me, relaxing in my chair, reading the LMAL book (which I am totally convinced she wrote for me at this season of my life), and soaking in the quiet. My mental list of what is happening: Kombucha started. Chickpeas in the crockpot (dinner). quiet. sunshine. cool room. I am happy.  A gift.  Continue reading “Gift paradigm shift”

All at once

Have you ever had a moment when you realized you actually had some free time and you get so excited you try to do everything you want to do all at once in that small time frame?

Does it start like this?

Setting: You’ve just realized you have 1 hour before you have to start work, getting ready, etc…

Your eyes land on the clock: “Alert! Alert! Free time for 1 hour!”

All at once, every possible idea of what you could do comes rushing into your brain.

Your mind: “OK OK OK….that exercise ball you just bought with Kohl’s cash.. get it out and blow it up. And we can exercise!”

Your body: Done. That was a work out in itself.

Your Mind: “Ok well since that was a workout, maybe we should just grab that cold coffee and head to the relaxing chair for some quiet time.”

Your body: Grabs bible. journal. Pen. Oops… where is the book? It’s in your purse. In the car.

Your mind: “You got to get the book.”

On the way to the car…

Your body ends up in the office/workout/music room and is now sitting at the computer because your mind has hijacked the action of going to the car to get the book.

Your Mind: “Yes! This would make a GREAT blog post for today! How crazy things can get when you don’t have a plan for free time!”

That’s how I ended up here. While I needed to blog, I also need to finish a few more things before my day really needs to start. So the take away here is something I remember learning from another blog somewhere which stated that having a list of things to do when you have free time will help give you direction so you don’t end up trying to do everything all at once and then getting nothing done at all.

Celebrating Birthdays

Celebrating birthdays for our family means taking the week leading up to the actual birth day and giving little special gifts/attention to the birthday person. My husband started this. So for example, my daughter turns 8 on Sunday. So this week, my husband brought home a special chocolate one day, a stuffed animal the next (husband, have you seen the other 56 “stuffies” she has?), a rose on another day, and one day she and I went to the movies…and had popcorn and a drink (big treat). Continue reading “Celebrating Birthdays”

Ode to Joy

What brings you joy? Just name like 3 things that bring some level of happiness to your life. Go. Anything coming to your mind?

Well… share them if you will. Because I am going to share mine. For starters, Pinterest. It brings me joy. When “Pintresting” first materialized, I avoided it. Like the plague.

But I am ADDICTED. Continue reading “Ode to Joy”

“But everyone else is doing it?!”

Classic childhood expression. Am I right? Who hasn’t a) said that or b) heard that?

And then the natural classic response “well, if everyone was jumping off of a bridge, would you?”

So why bring this up? Well, it’s what pops into my Brain when I think about how everyone else in the world with health issues seems to be getting their stuff together and blogging their way to health. “Dime a dozen” and “Trending Now” also pop into my brain when I think about the wave of gluten free posts and recipes and thyroid issues and … well you get the idea. (ahem…did you know that WATER is gluten free? Did we REALLY need a label to tell us that?).

No. Not downplaying the issue here. I am just identifying with this thought process: I feel weak when it comes to follow through in this life goal.

Why can’t I be diligent and journal my road to health so “all the world wide web can read like EVERYONE ELSE?” Continue reading ““But everyone else is doing it?!””

Give it a rest.

I am on the road to recovery. Why do I say that when I just weighed in at the highest I have been since I started losing weight healthily 1 year ago? And I have been eating everything on my “not good for you” list? And feeling the pain of eating it all? Why do I say that when I feel like I have been very wishy washy lately in my quest for quiet time? And getting angry at myself for falling back in to my sailor talk?

I say that because I know that God holds me in the palm of his hand. And that it will take a minute by minute approach sometimes to get better. I want to get better. I will get better. Everyone’s journey is different. So why should I get mad at myself when I don’t fit a mold?

My thoughts for today land on re-structuring my time. My life. Recently, a friend at church – who I really admire – told me she was restructuring some things with her business and life. She told of adding a monthly massage time and other things to replenish her soul That just spoke hope into me. If she is taking taking time for herself, why shouldn’t I? God has been whispering this over me for a little while. I say whisper because I was only half paying attention. I was listening to the voice of self with it’s self hatred talk of “just eat that — you know it will not make you feel good.. but just eat it because you don’t like yourself. Remember?”  Yep. That is actually a voice in my head that I thought was over but apparently have let back in.

I recently had a dream where this guy would not get out of our car. I was getting angry and said “in the name of Jesus, Go!” But he wouldn’t.  I kept hearing “squatters rights” and I woke up thinking “have I let the enemy get a foothold of something?” I do believe it has something to do with the control of food. And how I sometimes say “I am going to finish this eating lifestyle and see it through” but the back of my mind keeps saying “no you won’t. You will end up back where you started.”

Jesus help me in my unbelief. Kick that guy out of the car!!!

I would hate to have to hate you

So… back in January, I accompanied my son’s class on a field trip to the Tellus Museum. It was on said trip as a driver that I met my chaperone. The mom of the new kid. She seemed nice. Conversation was easy. We chatted about where they moved from and what she did.

“I’m a food blogger,” she said.

“Oh really? That is so cool.” I was intrigued. Wondering just what kind of things she had on her site.

We chatted more about milling our own wheat to make bread, essential oils, and Breadbeckers and I bored her with my failed attempts to get back on track with my AIP diet and my visits to my naturopath. (She was polite— seemingly interested). Anyhow, it wasn’t until after we parked, met our tour guide and set off to trail behind the kids that I turned to her and asked: “so what’s your website?”

Don’t Waste the Crumbs” she replied nonchalantly.

I stopped. Dead in my tracks. Mouth dropped to the floor.

No lie- I had been following this website since early summer 2015.  I really loved the site and would get super excited while reading things and thinking “gosh I wish I could be like her!” Now, her she was. IN THE FLESH! I told her that I was already a follower and familiar with the site.  Gawking, I mustered up “you’re the one who did a ‘no spend’ month, right?”


“And you have printouts for how to inventory your pantry and refrigerator?”


Wow. I was flabbergasted. To me, she is a CELEBRITY!

So the ride back to school was more chatting and laughing and bewilderment (on my part).

Fast forward to this month and I was reading through some of the recent blogs about how when they ran out of budgeted food money, they would go through the cupboards and just eat from what they had– making up tremendous meals along the way. And how they decided to fast when the money and food ran out. Positive energy from the site. Happy and bubbly — an all around interesting and a thought provoking blog. But I kept thinking to myself “I have to hate you now.” Because I couldn’t see myself and my family eating happy, wholesome meals like them. I pictured my kids throwing veggies at me. Picket signs in place. Organizing a shut in. And my husband gorging on Indian meals. (Hi honey! If you are reading, I am just adding this for laughs. I love you and am totally happy that you eat Indian food).

I pictured her family (and since I know what her kids look like, it was easy to envision) sitting around the dinner table, smiles plastered on their cute little faces as they sat perfectly still eating home made bread, kale, broccoli, carrots, collards, and cucumbers dipped in hummus while chugging down iced water. Never once complaining about what was on their plate or asking for a different meal. Or saying “I’m tired of eating healthy” when all you did was put one piece of asparagus on his plate amongst the sweet potato fries and hamburger.) All the while, fighting the urge to “have to hate her.” Which we all know is just straight up jealousy rearing its ugly head.

Confused at how to feel – hopeful vs. discouraged, I decided to close the blog and walk away. I pictured her and her husband sitting down at the table later that evening to chat about the budget and menu planning and smiling and laughing in total agreement over what to spend and where to spend it. What to save and how to keep out of debt. Muffling cries of despair and shuffling back to the computer, I opened up Excel to find my March Tracking Spreadsheet besides I entered my spending items and shook my head watching the red numbers.

I really do like my new friend. She has mentioned she had a great time on the ride to the museum and even wants to have my family over after they’ve settled into their new place. I am thankful for my new friend and have given her some space because I honestly just want to pick her brain. And shadow her. Basking in the knowledge of how to achieve such blog status.

But I refrain (for fear or a restraining order). I’ve kept a distance as if to say “I acknowledge your space.” Don’t want to seem to “friend needy.”

She has a great site to help people to reclaim the family dinner table and the family budget.

If you get a chance. totally check out her site “Don’t Waste the Crumbs.” It’s easy to read. She has videos and lots of tips. Subscribe to it. Tell her I sent you. Not that it will do anything …. but just let her know how you found her (aka put in a good word for me! kidding).


In the morning when I rise

What are the first thoughts that invade your mind in the morning? Mine range from “oh hit the snooze one more time” and “this is a new day to start afresh with healthy eating” to “let me mentally review the morning routine.”

And I do review the morning routine of what is required of me to get from point A to B. If my whole day is mapped out by the alphabet, that is. Yes, that is how the mornings go. And never fail, by the time it is required of me to pack lunch and get breakfast on the table (yes, that is usually the order) I have already regretted not getting up earlier (and going to bed earlier) so that I had more time to meditate or read my bible.

So then I mentally plan to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. Just to have more time for me. Planning and following through are areas of weakness at this point. But my thoughts then return to “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13.

Self Sabotage

I’ve been waking up feeling full. Heavy. Not completely bloated like, but on the border. This makes me mad at myself. It means I have not been strong enough to eat clean.

There is a book I just put on hold at the library. Intuitive Eating.  I first heard about in on a Paleohacks Podcast. Of which I have an addiction to —hence giving it up for Lent 🙂  Anyhow, the idea behind why you eat what you eat intrigues me. Mainly because I feel I already know why I eat the bad things I eat. Self Sabotage. When I eat them I hear a little voice in my head that says “you eat this because you hate yourself.” Now I realize hate is a strong word. And I also realize you may be thinking “she’s got issues.” Well, yes. True on the issues. I’m not crazy or psychotic though. So the book, I feel, would shed some truth to my self torture. I would say to myself “today, I am going to start new.” And then there would be brownies or muffins or some sort of goodie that the ladies group would bring in and I would say “oh, well, since I am not really starting I can eat this.” And then eat it. And then feel bad. And then say mean things to myself. I am not a big brownie fan, but there is one friend who can make a killer brownie that I just don’t want to deny!

The bottom line is when I ate my Paleo diet plan and was very strict with it, I felt GREAT. I started losing weight and inches on my waist and I was so excited! Dropped down to 127 lbs. A weight I remember in Middle School. Never to be seen again. Until now. And the next week after I hit 127, it was the holidays and I gave myself a “mental break.” Which meant I wasn’t going to fight myself over things during the holidays. What was meant to be a 3 week break turned into 3 months. And although my last scale reading was 134.8, it was still not what I mentally need to be at. Physically, maybe. I mean I am in my healthy range, but at the high end of it. According to the the healthy height/weight range I can go to 149 lbs. But I felt miserable. I looked like I needed to tone up. I get that each person is different and muscle tone plays into the figure (no pun intended). But for me, my mental range says no higher that 130. And physically that works too.

So I have ordered a cookbook (i heart cookbooks!) called The Healing Kitchen by Sarah Ballantyne, PhD (The Paleo Mom) and Alaena Haber MS OTR. I am not new to Dr. Sarah, but I am to Alaena. And what drew me to her was that she is an OT! My former life!! My goal is to use this as a jumping off point for starting afresh. Getting back on the horse and riding again. I really don’t like my mental barrages of self loathing when I eat things that I literally feel sick when I eat them and things I know are not good for me. Sometimes it’s not rocket science. All food is not created equal. Calories are not equal.

So, there. I put myself out there. Now you know my mind games.