Now I have just given up on consecutive posts for HH. This past month has been one for “give ups” and while I am not proud of the way I have handled fooding (?) and blogging, I am a realist. I am going to just acknowledge that when I get stuck and feel trapped, my first thought is to just take the easy road and move on. And eventually I will come to a point in my life where I am ready to start over.
I am at that point. See, my disorganization has flooded over into every area of my life. My office space is cluttered with papers, and life. My menu planning has been just “whatever I can think of last minute” and I am forgetting to send school papers in. The negative thinking spiral is fast approaching. But I am going to regroup. What has gone well? I held the school prayer meeting (just me) and attended the PTF meeting, safety meeting, and I went on the third grade field trip and I helped get decorations and food for other meetings. I even had a productive-ish work week!
What I have noticed about when I am off my healthy eating plan is that the feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming. They keep me down. My stomach, head, and inner self hurt. I am still a slave to the scale, so when I get on it every morning, even after a bad eating week – I get angry at myself. Which makes me irritable towards myself and my family.
Secretly, I feel I am trapped in this failure routine and won’t be able to break out.
But I have broken out before. Which got me to start the Happy Healthy blog. Back at the end of April, I went to the Naturopath and started this health journey. That was me getting out of my SAD (standard american diet) routine which made me sick. If I did it before, I can do it again.
Tomorrow is my next appt. with my naturopath. I am not looking forward to it because of my past month’s failures. But it’s time to face the music and move on.
What got me into my spiral eating habit was being so fixated on pizza one Friday night. I decided to go ahead and eat the pizza and brace myself for the stomach and head aches. I just wanted control over that pizza. And the next day, it was something else. I was taking control of my feelings. I wasn’t going to let my diet own me. I was going to eat that food group and see how I reacted to it after a healthier gut and then I would move on and not touch the stuff for a long, long time. That’s how innocent it started. Then my mind was like “well, you tried it with that food group. Why don’t you test it with the next?” And I thought I could win. Making bread for my family – I did pretty good. But then came the cookies. It’s like I had strapped on a feedbag.
I need a support group