Happy Healthy Day 12

Now I have just given up on consecutive posts for HH. This past month has been one for “give ups” and while I am not proud of the way I have handled fooding (?) and blogging, I am a realist. I am going to just acknowledge that when I get stuck and feel trapped, my first thought is to just take the easy road and move on. And eventually I will come to a point in my life where I am ready to start over.

I am at that point. See, my disorganization has flooded over into every area of my life. My office space is cluttered with papers, and life. My menu planning has been just “whatever I can think of last minute” and I am forgetting to send school papers in. The negative thinking spiral is fast approaching. But I am going to regroup. What has gone well? I held the school prayer meeting (just me) and attended the PTF meeting, safety meeting, and I went on the third grade field trip and I helped get decorations and food for other meetings. I even had a productive-ish work week!

What I have noticed about when I am off my healthy eating plan is that the feelings of guilt and shame are overwhelming. They keep me down. My stomach, head, and inner self hurt. I am still a slave to the scale, so when I get on it every morning, even after a bad eating week – I get angry at myself. Which makes me irritable towards myself and my family.

Secretly, I feel I am trapped in this failure routine and won’t be able to break out.

But I have broken out before. Which got me to start the Happy Healthy blog. Back at the end of April, I went to the Naturopath and started this health journey. That was me getting out of my SAD (standard american diet) routine which made me sick. If I did it before, I can do it again.

Tomorrow is my next appt. with my naturopath. I am not looking forward to it because of my past month’s failures. But ┬áit’s time to face the music and move on.

What got me into my spiral eating habit was being so fixated on pizza one Friday night. I decided to go ahead and eat the pizza and brace myself for the stomach and head aches. I just wanted control over that pizza. And the next day, it was something else. I was taking control of my feelings. I wasn’t going to let my diet own me. I was going to eat that food group and see how I reacted to it after a healthier gut and then I would move on and not touch the stuff for a long, long time. That’s how innocent it started. Then my mind was like “well, you tried it with that food group. Why don’t you test it with the next?” And I thought I could win. Making bread for my family – I did pretty good. But then came the cookies. It’s like I had strapped on a feedbag.

I need a support group

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