Pity party. Party of 1.
Today is my designated writing day. It’s on my calendar. The one I have been trying to use to help me organize my life and enjoy it even.
Going into the day, I had a good feeling about it. Aside from the start of the day that wasn’t part of the normal routine. Taking the kids to CFA because daddy had to go into work early so he couldn’t take them to All Pro Dads this morning at school. Which I could have gone to— mom’s are not discouraged from going— it’s just that the kids opted for going to CFA for chicken mini’s vs. All Pro Dad’s for biscuits.
When I got back home, I had this feeling of dread. So I just prayed. And started with research. Which I was really getting in to. Until I thought about how to apply it to the blog post I was supposed to be writing. And then the pity party began. After reading other blogs already in existence about the subject I was to write on, I felt “why bother? Everyone is already doing this better than me!”
And then I start unpacking my feelings more. I wrote what I needed to know before I could go to the next step of writing. Actually, I struggle with guilt for even having a writing day.
“Why should I get to have a writing day when others don’t? Am I a published author using this as income?” Well, no. (That. would.be. awesome!)
“And are there choices of people better than me for this writing task?” um, definitely most likely yes
I just thought of the Sunday School lesson from last week on Moses. God called him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt and Moses was like “um, I think there are many others better than me for this task, Lord.”
And God said, “of course there are but I choose you.” Well, I don’t think God said the first part, but he definitely chose Moses not because of Moses’s ability, but because of God’s character.
See, I like to write. It does bring me joy. But I was not having joy in belittling myself and thinking about the many others more qualified, more experienced, and “better than me.”
God chose some to be pastors. Some teachers. etc. (Eph 4:11)
God put inside of me a desire to write. It doesn’t matter that it is not to the masses.
Who knows the scope of people to be influenced. But that is not the point He is making to me, I don’t believe. I think it’s about me finding joy in Him. Pursuing something I like. And even in the times when there is resistance, I can use that time to press into Him for his guidance. He will use it to mold me and shape me into the person he designed me to be.
There is a difference in feeling resistance in something because it’s an area God hasn’t called And then there is a feeling of resistance based on your own fears of pursuing a dream. And it’s in that moment where you stop and meet with God and ask him to show you how to move forward because he is making you into something “better than” the present you.