Self Sabotage

I’ve been waking up feeling full. Heavy. Not completely bloated like, but on the border. This makes me mad at myself. It means I have not been strong enough to eat clean.

There is a book I just put on hold at the library. Intuitive Eating.  I first heard about in on a Paleohacks Podcast. Of which I have an addiction to —hence giving it up for Lent 🙂  Anyhow, the idea behind why you eat what you eat intrigues me. Mainly because I feel I already know why I eat the bad things I eat. Self Sabotage. When I eat them I hear a little voice in my head that says “you eat this because you hate yourself.” Now I realize hate is a strong word. And I also realize you may be thinking “she’s got issues.” Well, yes. True on the issues. I’m not crazy or psychotic though. So the book, I feel, would shed some truth to my self torture. I would say to myself “today, I am going to start new.” And then there would be brownies or muffins or some sort of goodie that the ladies group would bring in and I would say “oh, well, since I am not really starting I can eat this.” And then eat it. And then feel bad. And then say mean things to myself. I am not a big brownie fan, but there is one friend who can make a killer brownie that I just don’t want to deny!

The bottom line is when I ate my Paleo diet plan and was very strict with it, I felt GREAT. I started losing weight and inches on my waist and I was so excited! Dropped down to 127 lbs. A weight I remember in Middle School. Never to be seen again. Until now. And the next week after I hit 127, it was the holidays and I gave myself a “mental break.” Which meant I wasn’t going to fight myself over things during the holidays. What was meant to be a 3 week break turned into 3 months. And although my last scale reading was 134.8, it was still not what I mentally need to be at. Physically, maybe. I mean I am in my healthy range, but at the high end of it. According to the the healthy height/weight range I can go to 149 lbs. But I felt miserable. I looked like I needed to tone up. I get that each person is different and muscle tone plays into the figure (no pun intended). But for me, my mental range says no higher that 130. And physically that works too.

So I have ordered a cookbook (i heart cookbooks!) called The Healing Kitchen by Sarah Ballantyne, PhD (The Paleo Mom) and Alaena Haber MS OTR. I am not new to Dr. Sarah, but I am to Alaena. And what drew me to her was that she is an OT! My former life!! My goal is to use this as a jumping off point for starting afresh. Getting back on the horse and riding again. I really don’t like my mental barrages of self loathing when I eat things that I literally feel sick when I eat them and things I know are not good for me. Sometimes it’s not rocket science. All food is not created equal. Calories are not equal.

So, there. I put myself out there. Now you know my mind games.

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